Today is my first day of play...

Today is my first day of play forever more. I have decided that i will no longer work. I'm not going to do anything for anyone ever again that i don't want to. I'm done with work. I'm done with feeling bound to another human being or to a human in my head. Done. All done. From here on in, it's just play for me. PLAY  P L A Y   P   L   A   Y     F   O   R   E   V   E   R       M   O   R   E ...YUP!  Yippee!  My inner being is right now jumping up and down giggling and showering rainbows of vibration all over. YES.

So then you ask, that sounds nice, but how are you gonna pay the rent? AHA!!!! The voice of the OTHER immediately swoops in (you notice). Well here's the thing. I trust. I really do. That who i am, a god, is not being (or ever has been) abandoned. It's ME who's abandoned my greater knowing. OK so if I'm all-that-is, i guess i could just say, hey, can you throw some dollars at me please? And SO IT WILL BE.

So this here is an experiment in living freely and happily for the rest of my days (meaning: forever).

Day One: Well i got a massage today and it felt BLISSFUL. Really. Hmmm...Before that i got up and the house was a bit cool -- frosted last night and it was a cold and beautiful morning -- so i had the excitement of bundling up at 7am and going outside and throwing more wood down into the basement. And then starting a fire up from coals. Fun and satisfying to do. I'm so butch...

After that i did some reading, writing, and emailing. Thought of some gifts i wanna give people and had fun doing that. Thought about sex and had fun doing that. Found a new photo to put on our computer desktop background -- an old one of me kissing Chris on the cheek. That's the picture you see here. That was a fun day too.

So it's all about having fun days. One after the other. That's it. I thought it was this big enlightenment thing but it turns out (for me), it's just having one fun day after another. And not worrying about the bills. Or any of the money issues. Any of them. And keep dreaming. And knowing that it will come. I can just relax and enjoy the ride.

And the ride keeps getting better and better. There are scarey and sad times but i refuse to stay in them long anymore. i just love myself up in those moments and keep reaching for something that feels just a little bit better than that. And it works. I have had these old insecurities that I feel are melting away now. There are more and more things i am no longer afraid of. Here are a few:

i'm no longer afraid of car accidents

i'm no longer afraid of crime against me

i'm no longer afraid of fire

i'm no longer afraid of airplanes or any other mode of transportation

i'm no longer afraid of any diseases (now or new ones in the future)

i'm no longer afraid of answering the telephone

i'm no longer afraid of sex

i'm no longer afraid of men

i'm no longer afraid of women

i'm less and less afraid of what you think about me

i'm less and less afraid that there is anyone on this planet who can hurt me. (I know that only I hurt me -- it's not possible for anyone else to interfere in my experience ... still i forget some times).

If any of you reading this wanna join me in this wild escapade, this romp into freedom, this play for its own sake experiment, please let me know how it's going for you.

Comments

[Lloyd Katz]

Hi, Lloyd here from Summercamp. I was looking at the LEAF site of performers which took me on this link to your site. (guided by the blue fairy energy). It's a joy to see your art and inspiring blogs. Dance on Dear alena till we meet again.